That time of year has come, pumpkin spiced lattes and chunky sweaters are the must haves, and so is ‘the Winter boyfriend’.
For all our single comrades we’ve broken down this guide into ten nifty little sections to ensure maximum efficiency. If you can’t get a boyfriend after this you’re probably mentally challenged, or just plain ugly, and there’s only so much we can do. Here it goes:
Catching The Bait: An easy way to pick up guys nowadays is visiting the club, or even just staying home and scrolling through your app of choice; Tinder, Grindr, Jack’d, we’re not judgemental. For your Winter boyfriend we’re going outside your comfort zone and visiting a nice place. A coffee shop, a book store, a bar that doesn’t serve food. Here you may actually have to make the first move and have *gasp* face-to-face conversation! While we would never usually advise making the first move we were late in posting this article so totally on us, but whatever.
Keep It Casual: From here keep it casual, and not gay casual like a limp hand job on the dance floor never to see him again, but casual like light texting, no emoji use and a maximum of two trips out a week. Preferably somewhere with alcohol. Avoid trigger words like ‘date’, ‘boyfriend’ and, ew, ‘love’. Christmas is a time for family and friends, so don’t get a clinger. If I want to watch a film with my brother tonight, don’t be blowing up my phone. When the Christmas market comes, I don’t want a romantic stroll through the fairy lights, I want to get white girl wasted on German beer with my clique. Though we usually like our guys hanging on our every word, winter boyfriends need to play hard to get, because to be honest you’re not that much wanted, you’re cheaper than a space blanket. Sorry bout it.
Gift Etiquette: While we love getting presents, we hate giving presents. We can not be bothered with the hassle of having an extra person to buy for, especially one as tricky as a new partner. With family and friends we are used to buying for one another. We know grandma will give us underwear, we know aunt Jean will give us tester products she swiped from the drug store, and we know we’ll gift them back a thank you text three weeks later. But with a new person on our holiday list it brings up a fountain of questions: Will they get us more than we get them? Or the horror of vice versa. Do we get a romantic gift or something they want? What if they give us something shitty we want to return? Will it be from a store that exchanges without receipts? Because let’s face it, buy us clothes and they’re being returned.
Dressing The Part: The fundamental rule to picking a partner for Halloween is simple, choose someone the same size as you, but not as cute. If you think Halloween is the one time a year girls can dress like a total slut without being called out, gay Halloween takes that idea to the extreme. Our costumes are designed to show every inch of skin that’s not illegal to display. Going as a doctor? Blue hot pants and a stethoscope. Going as an angel? White booty shorts and wings. A devil? Red G-string and horns. Summers over, we starved ourself for the beach days, the first cloud in the sky this year equals binge day. We can’t go as one of these gay favourites so the only other option is a comedy costume or couples. We’re not fat or ugly, so we’ll leave comedy to the DUFF’s. That leaves a couples costume, so get a boy that’s the same size as you, well just a little bit chunkier than you so you can twin, but obvi be the superior one. When you’re gay, being the hotter of the pair in your costume is vital. Here comes the time for sabotage, if you’re thinking Carrie at the prom than calm down girl, we’re not trying to traumatise him, we just wanna look better. Now is the time for applying his make up shittily, ordering him an outfit size too large (or small, whatever will do the trick), and accidentally spilling a Bloody Mary down him. I guess that last one is kinda like Carrie.
A Treat, Not A Trick: Other than flashing side ball to unsuspecting party guests and trick-or-treaters, Halloween is also the time for another celebration. Candy. Of course we’re not morbidly obese, or poor so you won’t see us trick-or-treating. But this is the one time of year it’s socially acceptable to go into your local shop and buy three giant bags of mini-chocolate bars and sugar filled sweets without looking like a total Heifer. Grab a Halloween bowl, decorate it tackily with fake spiders, pumpkin stickers and glittery ghosts cut out of glossy paper. Fill the bowl with a mix of all the treats you brought. Place it on the kitchen counter, then fuck off to your party and black out. – Who stays at home to feed poverty stricken kids when you could be partying with a bunch of faux dead celebs and offensive stereotypes? – The next day when you’re hungover, watching Hocus Pocus and wishing you were dead, you’ll have a giant bowl of candy to binge on with your beau. You’ll most likely have paint and fake blood smeared over your entire body, as well as some other questionable stains, so you’ll need a man who doesn’t mind seeing you down and dirty, or should I say a man you won’t mind seeing you looking a damn mess.
Film Selection: With the weather turning cold we’ll be spending a lot more time in front of the TV. Scratch that, our Macbook screens, nobody’s watched an actual television since the 60’s, gross. So you’ll need a guy who 1. Shares your love of cheesy/dark/camp shows. Or 2. Shuts the fuck up and puts up with it. These are the only two options, we are not about compromise. Rewatching a mediocre movie again, or sitting through a two hour drama when you know you’ll be bored by before the opening credits is not okay. Time is precious, and we’re not wasting it watching this shit. Id rather rewatch Kathy Griffin’s latest special for the 8th time thanks. Also, if he doesn’t run as soon as you want to watch the next episode it is 100% acceptable to carry on watching without him, and no we’re not going back, get with the storyline and enjoy. Winter guy also needs to have a constant supply of snacks and drinks. Wanna get with this? You best come armed with the entire contents of the fucking corner shop bitch.
Bedroom Activities: If summers about sex, Winter is about spooning. Yes, we will have sex. Yes, it will be amazing. But 90% of the time we will be in our pajamas, cuddling and drink hot chocolate like a motherfucking John Lewis advert. Newsflash, winters cold as balls and petrol is hella expensive, so get a guy who not only drives, but loves driving. It’s important he starts work after you and finishes before you so you have a chauffeur there and back. – I know, working is gross, but it’s Christmas time, even gays need a job so they can give flawless gifts. And maintain a dresser filled purely with Christmas jumpers, obvs. – With all this free time he’ll need to get us from A to B, make sure he does actually have a job, no bums!
A Photo Is For Life: Don’t forget he’s only a seasonal fling, use him as your own personal photographer for you and your friends. If he insists on jumping in a photo or two, oblige, but make sure he’s on the end of group photos so he’s easier to crop out when you make your collage next year. If you’re feeling your look, and are sure you will look bomb as hell in you couple photo, then do not engage in bodily contact. Think Britney Spears at meet and greets. Nobody wants a mystery arm in their selfie.
Winter Wardrobe: Winter boyfriend needs to have an impressive wardrobe selection, we’re talking jumpers, big t-shirts, sweatpants, the whole nine yards. His wardrobe is now our wardrobe, never the other way around. He needs to have clean, soft, comfy clothing we can slip into to warm up in. Try on everything he owns and bank a bunch of selfies to share over the next few weeks to make your winter wardrobe look twice the size! Try to get a guy that wears All Saints, and not Primark. Hell, even H&M will do. Bonfire night we will be taking their jacket. That’s the key reason you’re inviting them that evening. We’re not going to risk singeing our own clothes on sparklers. Fuck that. Also outdoor drinking, fair warning, we will vomit, and better down their clothing than ours!
Terminating The Contract: The ideal break up date is around December 28th. This way you can start your year afresh with a new guy to kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve. If you’re struggling to find someone to kiss, booty calls are acceptable for that one day of the year only. Just make sure he doesn’t spend the night, who cares what happened between midnight and six of January 1st. It’s when you wake up, and start feeling sober the resolutions begin. They should really make January 2nd the start of the new year. Who’s going to be carrying out their unrealistic healthier, fresher “new year, new me” lives while they’re feeling like an extra from The Walking Dead? By January 1st you can now delete Winter boyfriends number, hide his Facebook and send his messages to spam. Wipe every trace of him, without being petty. You don’t want to slip up when Valentines Day rolls around!