With the viewing figures down once more, we’re not sure how many of you would have been watching the show last night so we’ve given you the lowdown.
Firstly a pregnant Emma Willis kicked off the festivities looking blinged the house down. Her looks always give us life and baby bump or not, she’s still bringing it.
Housemate number one was Gemma Collins, when the doors opened she stood tall holding her diva pose a little too long, causing the models to glance awkwardly at her as she forgot to walk the runway. When she did we got a full look at her Dynasty-styled hairdo.
Second up was our fave John Partridge whose VT seemed more like a Tinder profile with his camp flourishes and cheeky innuendos. By the crowds reaction, they’re loving him too.
Next was Daniella Westbrook in a Bugsy Malone Tallulah-styled hairdo. Bounding down the runway she raised a few eyebrows as to wether or not she’s relapsed lately.
Number four was Christopher Maloney, and while we originally though Daniella granted him access to the house the truth is… they had a dramatic fallout. Yas, we have drama already! His perma-tan almost messed up the contrast on our TV set!
Five is New York, now going by Tifanny. The show has officially started, they played her infamous ‘Luther Vandross’ comment and we died again. Her profile and entrance was true New York and fabulous from the runway strut to the big hair. She hasn’t lost her spark over all these years.
Darren Day was up next doing his best Danny Dyer impression. He recounted his ‘bad boy’ past, seriously how bad can a West End star get?, stating that those days are behind him. Between his VT and interview with Emma he seems to be on a road to a nice guy comeback. AKA he’s the boring one of the bunch.
Seventh in was Megan McKenna and we’re still not over the Ex On The Beach girls looking like Lauren Goodyear clones. She had a ‘Twitter feud’ with Ellie Goulding and seemed proud of her obnoxious personality. She looked quite nice in her blue dress and slicked back poof.
Housemate number eight is the nauseating Winston McKenzie. Apparently he is an ex-champion boxer, but he declared himself to be a proud political party hopper. He also stated his intention to run for Mayor of London, as well as the second coming, *side-eye emoji*.He came out looking like a 1980’s pimp. (side note: on the way in it was announced he auditioned for The X Factor in 2005, who could take this man seriously as a politician?)
Half the houseguests in and the twist begins, the most decisive housemate must choose two fellow guests to be put in a box for a undisclosed amount of time. Escandalo!! Seriosly this is the opening twist. John Partridge stood up and chose himself to enter, Darren Day offered to be the second.It’s clear as of yet who is playing the public game.
The next twist was to lock three of the remaining six guests suitcases. They impartially chose Chris and Winstons, as they are men. The last was harder but they chose Daniella who seemed pretty relaxed with the decision.
With that done, it’s time for number nine. David Gest, and we’re already in love! His VT was so unintentionally hilarious. Yet when he got to the mic he caused next level awkwardness with his jokes, rubbing Emma’s belly and kissing her face. We do agree with his high praises of Emma Willis though, she is queen.
Scotty T has shown up to be our tenth housemate. His VT is hilarious and by the crowds crazy reaction it looks like we may have found our winner! He’s totally our hottie of the series, and his personality could be arrogant if he wasn’t so darn cheeky and charming. We’re in lust.
Eleven is Kristina Rihanoff and she seems so sweet! We love her accent, and she is gorgeous. We feel like she’s going to be the genuine heart of the house, but criminally misunderstood and unappreciated.
Our twelfth guest is Jonathan Cheban and our first thoughts are “is Kim watching this?” we doubt so. He’s so boring, even his half glittery jacket can’t add any pizzazz to his personality. Bye Felicia.
Thirteen is David Bowie’s ex-wife, Angie! She seemed a little kooky, but genuinely darling. In a gold sequinned dress and purple velour jacket she’s killing it already. We can’t wait to see more of her.
The fourteenth celeb entering is Stephanie Davis. She described her embarrassment at accidentally flashing her bump at the soap awards, before flashing her bump in lingerie during her VT. Okay then. She’s fun and giggly. We prefer her over Megan. This could go two ways though.
Our penultimate star is Jeremy McConnell who describes himself as a model, no mention of his reality past then. He is basically Scotty T-light. Shit banter, he’s not even that good looking.
Our last housemate is Nancy Dell’Olio. And we end on a fizzle, we thought they’d put the biggest name in last. Though looking at the line-up maybe that is Nancy! She’s feisty and grandiose so we like her.
With all the housemates in, it’s time for our second twist. The two captive houseguests can give a feast to the celebs or keep it for themselves. Spoiler: the “nice guys” gave it to the guests.
Emma teases another yawn of a twist and the show is done! Unless you count Bit On The Side and the live feed straight after. No thanks, ciao!
Overall the show was average, by now we no longer ask ‘Who is that?’ or ‘THAT’S why they’re “famous”?’ We know by now it’s the characters, and not the A-listers that makes the show great, and we have a few contenders this year. The twists were very weak but the multiple technical glitches made up for that. We love the tacky production.
We’ll keep up as much as we can, but let’s not lie, who gets past episode four nowadays?
EDIT: We are ashamed to say we sat on our couch eating a toblerone and could not be bothered to change the channel from BOTS. There is an eviction on Friday, and Emma kept tickling Rylans crotch. Did we mention we love her?