Guide To: Valentines Day

Valentines Day is an actual holiday, anybody who says different is either depressingly single, boring as fuck, or in a stale-ass relationship. Like any holiday where gifts and sex are the norm, it is important to make sure you’re celebrating it properly!

Valentines Day is a time to give yourself some props. You’ve got a boyfriend, or man-friend, so you’ve obviously not let yourself go beyond belief. You’ve probably put up with his annoying antics over the past 5 weeks just so you don’t have to spend the day alone, and after the financial difficult month of January it’s time him to splash out on you once again after the heinous 50 days since he brought you all those gifts for Christmas. It’s a very hit-or-miss holiday depending on your relationship status, so if you’re seeing somebody this year you better make this damn day count because this time next year you could be the one spread out on the couch while sobbing to The Notebook.

To make your day of romance a little more bearable, we’ve decided to give you the low-down on everything you should be doing on February 14th.

The Actual Date

Unfortunately for us Valentines is only a one day event and when it falls on a week day, such as this year, it’s just an evening meaning you really have to think about how you want to spend this precious time. Be sure to decide well in advance, because there’s no chance of just waltzing in any place on the night. The cinema is too boring, restaurants are usually jam-packed, and bars are full of desperate loners cruising for cock. Your best bet is a romantic dinner at home, cooked by him of course, complete with candle light, champagne, and tablewear so fancy Martha Stewart will be wondering which fork to use.

Bedroom Activities

One of the most important aspects of the day, besides gift of course, is sex. For this you’ll want to be prepare waaay in advance. This isn’t a night for some Doris and Paul make whoopie, it’s a special kind of night that calls for some special assistance. Wether that be new lingerie, introducing dessert foods into the bedroom, saucy games, or a sex swing – that’s up to you – but what is important is that you separate it from the regular shit. You’ll wanna make sure you’ve taken time to properly groom, clean, and purchase any goods to assist with the night. Consider stocking up on issues of Cosmo to find 12 ways to drive your man crazy with just three litres of olive oil, a baby wipe, and an old sock.

(Sadly) Giving Gifts

Depending on how long you have been dating your significant other, gifts are a tricky minefield to navigate, though we’ve broken it down to help you out. There are four core sections to Valentine gift giving. The card: this is indicative of where your relationship stands; boyfriend, a special someone, a great pal? Be careful what you buy, think of size, aesthetic, message. If you really wanna be cure, stock up of glitter and lace trim and create your own! The cute gift: for this you should go pretty traditional, perhaps an oversized cuddly toy, a scrapbook of your relationship, a framed photo of yourself. It’s nothing too exciting but a necessity nonetheless. The sexy gift: it is completely acceptable to buy yourself sexy outfits for this section of the gift. Underwear, and costumes are always a safe bet. Sexy games like cards and dice can be fun too! Handcuffs, body paint, and things of this nature are all completely acceptable, just try not to go too far, opening up a butt plug isn’t the most romantic of moments. The thoughtful gift: As annoying as it may be, this gift is all for him! Take time to think about something he may actually want. What has he been looking at recently? What hobbies does he have? Is there an event he’s been wanting to go to? Give him something that will make him feel guilty for whatever trash he brought you and feel the need to overcompensate on your birthday.

(Deservingly) Receiving Gifts

We’ve covered buying gifts, now let’s move on to the shit that really matters shall we? Receiving them! Count three weeks back from February 14th, and this is the date you need to start laying down the hints of what you want. Men are stupid, so the only way to get what you really want is to start laying it on thick, and often. Think of a few things you would like and take every opportunity in this time window to subtly tell him to buy it for you. “I would kill for a new jacket”, “how cute is that jacket, if only I could afford it right now”, heck even changing your profile picture to that damn jacket will probably not be obvious enough for them. A few days before the event make a point to disclose your favourite kind of flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals etc. Make him think its his idea, and he’ll feel like Christian Grey.

Managing Your Social Media To Make Losers Jealous

Are you even in a relationship if you don’t plaster pictures of yourselves making out all over Instagram? Usually we’re against over-exposure of couples on social media, it wreaks of insecurity and is altogether so embarrassing. Valentines Day is the exception of this, you want everyone to be jealous of your amazing, thoughtful boyfriend. Start your day with an open celebration of the day with all your followers, they’ll think you’re a sweetie with an innocent love for love. Next you’ll need to hone your Insta photography skills to slowly unveil your presents one by one, be sure to make full use of filters and Facetune to make your flowers look brighter and more beautiful than any other bitches. After documenting your night, it’s time for the piece de resistance, an adorable couple photo to make all the singletons dive into a bottomless tub of Ben and Jerrys.

Combat The Bitter Betties

Every Valentines Day we hear the same bitter betties moaning about the proceedings, they’re usually too ugly to catch a dick in the dark, or have been with their partner for an amount of time so long they now despise spending time with one another. Either way you need to subtly smack them down and let them know how in love and happy you are. Take all of their sad-sack issues and spin it around. “It’s a Hallmark holiday” – “It’s important to support the economy”, “I don’t need one day to show I love my partner” – “It’s nice to take a day to make a little extra effort to show how much you really care”, “It’s too focused on romantic love, rather than other kinds #GalentinesDay!!” – “Shut the fuck up Susan, just because you look like a water-bloated corpse, and don’t have the emotional stability to keep a man doesn’t mean the rest of us should be punished, take your cat-lady ass outta my face before I beat you down with my heart-shaped box of chocolates… Fuck!”

Continuing The Holiday

We know we already said that Valentines Day is a one-day event only, but it just feels so good to be complemented, and act sexy, and receive gifts, so drag it out as long as possible! Go somewhere fancy to eat the week afterward, after all you couldn’t go the night of because of those pesky advance bookings. Go for a romantic stroll around a picturesque area on the weekend, you couldn’t do it on the actual day because you were working! Our top tip? Make one of his presents a date jar! Fill with cute ideas (all of which you want to do) that truly is the gift that keeps on giving!

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