Guide To: Picking The Perfect Vacation Destinations

With summer fast approaching it is crucial to get all of your holiday planning in now so that you can vacation like a true diva and rack up a photo album worth of pics to make all your Instagram followers jealous that your fabulous life is way better than theirs.

For some unbeknownst reason the Government are truly dicks and only require employers to provide you with 5.6 weeks worth of holiday entitlement per calendar year so with so little time and so many totally bangin’ vaycay spots it is imperative that you make your decisions wisely.

Ibiza

File this under any generic party holiday spot. These are quite usually cheap, and cheerful and are essential for any young person to take for their first time experiencing debauchery in a place that isn’t just some super gross nightclub, but a super gross nightclub with cheap drinks, next to a beach.

Though they are often marketed as 18-30 holidays, the ideal age for this holiday is 17-21, any older and we’re giving you serious side-eye as to what went so wrong in your life that you’re necking shots of green petrol in a place where STD’s are just a way of life.

Be extra careful with which friends you choose to accompany you on this holiday, one Debbie Downer can tank the whole bunch. You need to strike the perfect balance between somebody who is willing to have a good time without judgements or exceptions, and somebody who won’t leave you OD-ing in a Mexican Alleyway like Marissa Cooper.

Cornwall

File this under any vacation spot in your home country, for this example we have chosen Cornwall, England – mecca to sunburnt, overweight brits, murky beaches, and pasties. These are usually holidays that are forced upon you in childhood, and is not separated by class – wether you’re staying in a static caravan, or a renovated lodge – it’s still 40 fucking minutes away from home.

These are best to be enjoyed in your late eighties when you want to die in peace, or if you have a hard on for looking at rocks, and cliffs. A cheap alternative for an actual vacation, this could work as a cute weekend getaway but anything longer than a bank holiday weekend and you’ll be itching to get back home.

Paris

File this under romantic locales such as Rome, Hawaii, and Antigua. There are exclusively reserved to visiting with your other half – or whoever you can bag to buy this holiday for you. Its important to make sure you visit this location at a time where you’re not going to be an uber-sweaty mess.

The majority of this holiday should be spent inside your bedroom so this is a time not to skimp on your hotel expenses. Consider going all inclusive as after a session of crazy love-making you’re going to want to refuel and go again. A hotel is a plus because maid service, duh, and a pool / jacuzzi is a great plus because you know – experiences. Basically, choose a location with the most do-able spots, beaches, piers, balconies – the possibilities are endless.

Make sure you have the most romantic of excursions planned because you know for sure your significant other won’t. We’re thinking 5* restaurants, illuminated monuments, walks along the beach, and endless prosecco. Have a fucking Suzanne Sommers novel planned and work them into it wether they want to or not – you worked hard for this girl!

Bali

File this under gorgeous beaches. A holiday for tanning, this could be literally anywhere for a range of prices. The main goal for this vacation is to get away from your crappy life, read, sunbathe, and stay absolutely wasted from sunrise to sunset. This is the most typical of holidays spending 6 months complaining about trying to attain a summer body for a weeks in the sun, only to whip your tshirt off after your third Bacardi Breezer.

As long as you luck out on some good weather, you’re sure to find a decent enough beach wherever you go so you can spend your days and nights as lazy as you like. Here you are a queen, and everybody else is living to serve you (as long as you tip right!) – don’t be a stingy Susan.

Outfits – Anything revealing, something for the day and something for the night. Activities – None. Literally, don’t even ask us. Aftersun – A necessity.

India

File this under faux cultural exploration. Places like this are where we tell people we’re backpacking across Asia, but really we’re backpacking to the closest hotel with a walk in shower, room service, and a nightly chocolate on the pillow. Here we want all the cute things in life like towels in the shapes of swans, and toilets that are just holes in the ground so we can go back and tell everybody who will listen about how we are truly ‘changed’.

A place of worship is a must visit, as are museums, monuments, and beautiful scenery to make the most of our cultural learning. Sure they’re totally boring, and we’d much rather be walking around Bergdorfs but we love telling our pals at how cultured we are.

Trips like these are better taken alone so you can fully immerse yourself in the culture, and move along the land to your own accord to raise your level of exploration. AKA incase you get next level bored and want to head to the tourist areas.

Tokyo

File this under sight seeing/selfie taking opportunities. These holidays are once in a lifetime opportunities; New York, London, Amsterdam. They are the must visits in life with a whole new culture, and a number of activities you have to cram in to one little holiday. Sure they will be stressful, and you will need to stick to a timetable – if you’re travelling with somebody else you’re sure to hate them by the end of it – but it will all be worth it for the memories.

For a trip like this, you need to save forever, unless you have a trust-fund of course. You should plan everything out far in advance including travel, events, and routes. Make sure all of your bucket list hopes for that city is down – God forbid you’re on the flight back from New York and realise you forgot to visit the Statue Of Liberty.

With such a stringent trip you need to be prepared for everything meaning full-tourist mode: backpack, boots, hats, water, maps and so on. I know, tragic, but better safe than sorry – or are you best going better stylish than safe?

Aspen

File this under super cool biatch ideas. For a different type of vacation that will make everybody jealous of you, and make you look like the coolest little hipster bitch – holiday getaways at places such as skiing resorts will surely have you impressing.

Such a crazy notion that somebody would choose a holiday where they are actively moving further away from sun, and beaches but we’re too cool to conform. For holidays like this we want to set our own rules and have our own kind of fun.

For holidays like this you’ll be experiencing unique oppurtunities that you can cross of your list and never have to suffer through again. Don’t get us wrong skiing, and shit sounds fun but once is more than enough.

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