Guide To: Dealing With A Break-Up

So you’ve wasted a matter of months of your life with a guy who has now turned around out of nowhere and let you go; yes you were super high maintenance, yes you were kind of psychopathic on a number of occasions, and yes you have broken up with him quite alot while drunk on Rosé, but this is so unexpected.

After so much time with somebody by your side to chat shit to, cater to your every whim, and give you regular pipe it may be difficult to readjust to life solo but rule number one: NEVER let him see you sweat.

Accept The Break-Up

P.S. how ugly is the word don’ts. Your core instincts after a break-up is to want to stick together, familiarity is far less scary than the thought of having to start all over again, and the possibility of ending up alone forever – don’t do it, if he has the nerve to leave you once don’t be a doormat and allow him to get the chance to fool you twice. See the new start as exciting to work on yourself, meet new people, and get some much deserved ‘me’ time. You’ll replay all of the good times in your head and think of all the things you could have done differently, all of the arguments that were unnecessary, and all of the things you had planned for the future – leave them in the past, dump them like day old danish and fill your head with positive thoughts; binge on inspirational videos, Oprah re-runs, and uplifting books and get out of that negative funk.


You most likely want to curl up in bed and watch soppy romcoms in the dark but that will just spike your temptation to text the loser, and drown you further and further into a hole of self-pity. Get out and reconnect with your friends, meet some new people, and start participating in activities; wether you sign up for a new class, or just take a day trip to the beach keep yourself busy so you’re not boggling your head up. All those things you usually do together, find somebody else to take his place or break your cycle completely and try walking a new path. You’re going to have alot more free time now so use it wisely, and invest in relationships that will pay off in the long run.


Glow Up

Lets cut the crap here, being in a relationship leaves you comfortable and when you’re comfortable you’re off your A game. Get your shit back together and glow the eff up. Resist the temptation to lie around binging, not taking care of yourself and get to work. Now is the perfect time to kick start your diet, and kill it at the gym using your ex as inspo. Get a fresh trim, dye your hair, buy a cute new outfit, whatever it is that will elevate you from an 8 to a solid 9. On the one hand you’ll be showing him what he’s missing, on another all the boys will be chasing you, and most importantly feeling good on the outside, will translate to your confidence on the inside.

Better Yourself

We’ve already mentioned all the spare time you’ll have on your hands now that you’re a single pringle, and with a greater focus on yourself its time to break out of your routined life and shake it up a little. Freshen up your CV and see what career pastures await, or work extra hard at your own job to secure a promotion. Educate yourself in something: learn a new language, write a book, convert to Kabbalah-ism. When you inevitably bump into your ex you want to be able to boast about your new hobbies, and successes.

Express Your Feelings

With any shock break-up you most likely have thousands of scattered thoughts you’re trying to make sense of, and you’ll feel the urge to send these in doses of messages to your ex-beau, but that is not helping anybody and it’s making your ex like you even less – heck, the jerks probably sharing them with his friends laughing about how hung up you are. Get your feelings out in a healthy manor, if you don’t have a friend you can truly open up to then write them in a journal, type them onto a word document, scribble them all down on post its and then burn them, whatever works for you but expressing these will be a real weight off of your shoulders.


Get A Little Payback

This step is completely optional, but dependant on how the little bitch left you, and how shitty he was afterward you might find a little short term job in acting out just a slight spell of revenge. Now we’re not talking about keying his car, or posting his nudes online (unless he cheated, then gurl that’s all on you) we’re talking about just slightly digging at him. Maybe you’ll slip up and accidentally spread a rumour that he’s working with a little fella, or has a porn obsession, maybe he’s into some weird Brony stuff but that info does not leave the trust circle! Yeah right. Make sure you’re posting bomb selfies with captions about living life young free and single, maybe a snapchat of you a little too close to another guy, or a status claiming you’re so embarassed about your late night antics from the night before. The key to any type of ex revenge is to keep it low key, you’ll know he’ll be stalking your page so just leave him little bread crumbs that will get his mind racing.

Move The Fuck On

This is the most important step of all – cut ties and move on! You need serious will power to live your best life alone, others may not be as sympathetic and understanding; but we get it it’s tough, however, it needs to be done. If you find yourself stalking him you’ve got to be a big boy and find the strength to block the accounts, delete his number and the text log, and box up anything he may have brought you and donate it to a backyard fire. This may sound a little extra but if that’s the only way you can truly move on, even if it hurts at first then it needs to be done. You can always re-add him a year or so down the line once you’ve truly moved on to strike up a friendship / acquaintanceship if you really want to.


That’s it! These are the golden rules to live by for moving on from a break-up healthily, and happily. Of course its going to be a difficult ride, and you’re more than likely going to struggle to keep yourself in check but you’ve got to power through. Don’t allow yourself to fall into any negative habits – you can feel the pain now and again but just work through it. One day it will just stop hurting, and you’ll be ready to dive back into the dating pool.


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