Guide To: The First Date

For some first dates can be an awkward territory like going for a job interview, or being fingered by your doctor. There’s no need to let this overpower you, so we have compiled a fool proof guide to surviving the horrors that can come with this initial meeting, and shaking away the inevitable jitters.


The number one rule to success in any realm is preparation and by this we mean obsessive stalking. You need to plunge yourself into the deepest depths of this dudes life to find out that he’s not an actual psychopath, I mean why else would he have asked you on a date. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Tumblr, newspaper records, google searches – anything to give you a general zest of his personality – how many birthday messages does he receive on average, does he over hashtag his selfies, how many guys tweets has he favourited in the past week. You know, the basics. Check out the family, and really see what you’re getting yourself into. If he lacks any of these basic social networking sites, that’s already a red flag; what does he do in his free time? – Murder people?!?


Preparing for a date usually goes as followed; pull out something clean to wear, shower, and douche – just in case. JK, there’s a lot that goes into look extra juicy on your first date: face masks, grooming, hair, clothing options, aftershave. This is his first impression of you, and you want him hooked at the first glance. It is also your chance to completely reinvent yourself (again), it’s like a guess who of personalities, who will you be today? Super chill gamer? Classy, soft-spoken queen? Energetic, and positive daydream? Dark and mysterious sex pot? We usually take to paper fortune tellers to make our decision for us.

Be Cool

You’re a crazy fucking bitch, and within 6 months you will have made this dudes life such a chaotic mess that he’ll flinch every time his phone calls incase you’re the person on the other end ready to unleash a gallon of crazy – but he doesn’t need to know this yet, it is imperative to act cool. We all have our nasty habits, and quirks but now is the time to push them all the way down in the back of your mind like childhood trauma. Today you’re the impossibly perfect Goddess sent directly from heaven to make this guys life complete. Make sure to show off all sides of your fake self, that you’re funny, spontaneous, sexy, smart, and way out of his league because duh. We like to pretend we don’t see him staring at us while we gaze longingly in the distance while flashing a cheesy, heartening smile that will make him melt. Try moving in slow-mo like the movies. Guy’s love cutesy on the first date so channel a 5-year-old, or Valentina from Drag Race.

Stay Classy

If the date goes well you’ll probably feel the overwhelming urge to blow him in a back alley behind the taxi rank – resist this impulse sis! No guy wants to buy the cow when he gets the skimmed almond milk for free! You can give him a closed mouth kiss, and a lingering hug but thats it – and you’ve gotta act super coy about even doing that. Remember to gaze into his eyes for a second or two, and blush like you’re not the same hoe that once let a guy jerk him off in the bathroom of a nightclub. Any guy whose worth dating will keep it at this level and respect your choice – any pressuring to go further, dirty texts, or God forbid nudes following this one meeting automatically results in a block from us. As Quinn Fabrey once said: “It’s all about the teasing, and not about the teasing” Sex is so much better once you give him blue balls for a while.

Analyse Them

There’s only so much good dick you can suck in one lifetime, and we’re not wasting precious hook-up time on a guy whose not going to end up being the Mark Darcy to our Bridget Jones. You can spend so much time obsessing over what this guy is thinking about you, and if you’re impressing him at every moment that sometimes we forget to think about if we actually like him or not. Try not to obsess over every last flaw, or you’ll most likely stay single for good, but make sure you take some time to weigh this guy up. To progress things to a second soirée he must surpass an 8 or above on your scale, use our handy dandy guide for reference. Looks + Personality + Humour  x Bank Account / The Amount Of Crazy You’re About To Unleash = Yes/No.

Ending Strong

So we’ve pretty much covered all your bases on how to deal with the first date, but now comes the hard part, the part after the date. We usually like being candid on our dates, laying it out straight and discussing wether we vibed with each other and if we should go on a second date. They’re so much easier to plan, and usually guys find being this open and honest refreshing. It also cuts out the dreaded “Who’s going to message first? Who’s going to ask the other on another date?” thoughts that might amass in the time following. If you are waiting on a text, don’t rush it. He has to message first, and if the radio silence lasts a week or more his chance is gone. We do not respond to drunk texts or booty calls, and we do not visit his house for a second date. Keep your morals strong, and keep yourself busy to avoid breaking and sending him a despo message. No posting on social media about the date. If he does ask for a date, make sure you reject the first two days he suggests, create the illusion that you’re just so busy


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