You spend so much of you life making an effort to befriend people, and have them like you. You’re kind, thoughtful, funny, caring; all in all a pretty dope friend. It is rare we truly sit down with ourselves however, and as “is this friendship working for me?” – but now is the time to really reflect on the types of friend you need to let go of.
We’re out here tryna live our best life like Oprah tells us to do on the daily, but in a sea full of Taylor Swifts, it can be difficult to find your Gayle King. We’ve created a handy-dandy guide to outline the kinds of friendships that are so not fetch.
The Phone Addict
It’s great to have a friend who actually remembers to take photographs at momentous occasions, but when they’re spending more time looking at their phone screens than at you, things become a little more testing. Your time is precious, and your mug is gorgeous so the fact that they have prime opportunity to spend gawping at you but they’re too busy clacking away on their mobile like they’re being threatened by -A is a total buzz kill. Repeating oneself is for people with stutters, and not made to be wasted on the hilariously witty quips you’ve been throwing out; so cut off seeing this this saddo, and just text them instead!
Don’t get us wrong, now and then we love nothing more than a last minute cancellation that leaves us free from commitment to do nothing else but veg on the sofa in front of some trashy TV. For a repeat offender however, it starts to get a little boring. We can no longer abide wasting our breath on fictional plans while all the time knowing that they will never materialise. Even when they have the utmost belief in making arrangements, it has happened more than enough now to know that backing out is just in their nature. Reclaim your energies, and put them into the excitement and trust of making plans with people who will actually follow through with them. Commitment-phobes are bad enough in dating, and so much worse with friendships so move on!
Now we all love spilling the tea with our good Judy’s, but that extra juicy gossip that seems to come with befriending this person can be turned sour is you ever end up of the receiving end of it – and trust us, you will. They aren’t actively out to screw you over but they are unemotional machines when it comes to collecting, analysing, and sharing information; and they don’t care who it is about. A general rule of these friends is that if they are talking to you about everyone else’s business; they are talking to everyone else about your business. Now is the time to rid yourself of the endless, mundane gossip and begin to focus on yourself – really give them something to talk about.
This is a particularly dangerous friend to have, but you will always encounter at least one throughout your life, and shaking them off is not always the easiest. The difficulty with this friend is that you genuinely care about them and they are often the most caring and loyal in your pack, but it can come with unfortunate side effects. As people, they don’t see their own manipulative ways, they just want the two of you to be the best of friends, inseparable, but cross them and you’re toast. If you disagree with their opinion, cancel on plans, or generally do not follow under their mighty rule, they will switch on you with no mercy. Sometimes it will be covert, they will give you the cold shoulder or ignore your texts, but other times it can be downright rude; they’ll plan a big event with the sole purpose of not inviting you, they’ll post some not-so-subtle tweets direct at you, and they’ll definitely layer the guilt trip and then act passive aggressively like nothing is the matter at all when you try to confront them. We’re too old to be acting like children so its time to let this one go; a total freeze out is a must or you’ll never be free of their incessant essays of text messages. Just don’t forget to like one of their subtweets before you go, a subtle parting gift – just how they like it.
While everybody loves to have a bitch, and moan through the day – being hungry, bored at work, having rubbish weather – whatever the case may be, but we also like to actually enjoy things just as much which is a trait lost on this type of friend. They do not appear to possess the capability of feeling joy, or anything really, they don’t even enjoy moaning which appears to be their sole hobby! They will always have something to critique; the movie was too long, the hotel wasn’t fancy enough – even in the most exciting of moments they will kill the atmosphere like a lead balloon. Nothing you can say or do will ever manage to lighten their mood, as these people have no idea how much their sour face can be an absolute buzz kill – so step away from the negativity before it impacts your outlook, and you will begin to experience a new zest for life. Find others who can roll with the punches, have a laugh, and keep a positive air, and you’ll see life through a whole new set of eyes.
Don’t get it twisted, throughout the majority of our late teens, and early twenties we were true wild child’s; drinking, experimenting, and breaking the rules created some of our most outrageous, and hilarious stories. Keeping a friend around who sparks your naughty side is an absolute necessity. Now that you’re edging toward your early thirties it is time to start thinking about all areas of your life; saving money, securing a mortgage, holding down a full time job, starting a rewarding relationship – there is so much to do, and so little time that we can not justify yet another night on the scene. Keep your influencer friend at arms length as a crazy night is needed once in a while, but we are too old to spend every weekend popping molly in the club, especially now that we suffer from the dreaded three day hangover. Let them party with the best of them, and just hit them up when you feel like getting your freak on – they’ll no doubt be heading somewhere fun and thrilled for you to tag along!
As millennia’s, we often get stick for how self-cantered we can be, and in our formative years we are for sure way too wrapped up in ourselves to notice anything else. This is usually a trait that people grow out of, but apparently not everybody. This friend sure hasn’t’, and they are entirely draining because of it. Every chance encounter sees you biting your tongue, and each attention-seeking post on social media will have you fighting yourself not to block their profile because for some reason you remain – painfully grinning through the mountain of bullshit they spew. These friends always find a way to reroute conversations to be about them, any story you recall will pale in comparison to anything they can come up with as they feel the need to constantly one-up everyone. Let them focus on themselves while you find friends who actually take an interest in your life, and the external world that reaches further than their own reflection. They’re probably so caught up in themselves, they won’t even notice you go.
This bitch will love you and leave you, so be sure to ditch them first. They are searching less for genuine friendship, and more about how social connections can work in their favour. Maybe you’re friends with somebody they wanna bang, or your aunt runs the dance school that their niece wants to join, or you could be the first person to befriend them at work, or perhaps they’re just looking for a temporary squad. The long and short of it is that they are not here for you, they’re just shopping around for what you can offer them. Once they’ve used up all of your resources they will drop you like discount Balmain and move on to the next person that they can leech from. Be careful of this one as they love to wear sheep’s clothing. If they constantly want you to do them favours, introduce them to people, or invite themselves in on plans take a good think about what they have done for you recently, and if the answer is zilch give them the chop. We are all for networking, but screw the fakery.
It is normal for friends to share interests, and adapt to one another’s likeness – spending your time together you probably have crafted a certain lingo, and adopted personality traits of one another that has rubbed off over the years. The wannabe is an entirely different beast altogether. They have a Single White Female factor that causes them to not only want to be like you, but to pretty much want to be you. Due to what we can only assume is a weak social ability, and perhaps a tinge of jealously, they will slowly begin to jack your style; clothing, music, humour, sayings. Everything unique to you will now become a part of this person. Over time you will probably catch glimpses of this happening but it is not until you look back that you see how much they have changed, courtesy of you. While this may seem harmless enough, it can be frustrating to have a low rent version of yourself roaming the streets. You want friends with individuality who compliment your style and provide a bit of intrigue in your life, not a mindless clone – we’re not the Chanel’s. Plus, you do not know how far this person could go to steal you style – they might even make attempts on the boys you like, hang with your parents, apply for jobs at your workplace – before you know it they’re wearing your face as a mask. Avoid!
Everybody is guilty of a little embellishment here and there but we draw the line at straight up lying. This little Billy Bullshitter makes it their lives mission to spread mistruths. When you first encounter them, their life will seem fascinating, and you would love nothing more than to join them in one of their many fabulous adventures. Cut to a few months down the line when their façade begins to drop. At the tender age of 25 they will have somehow managed to have achieved a degree, travelled the world, and have money stacked in the bank. They constantly have a fabulous car that they have just sold because cycling is way more economical, their own home which they rent out to a distant relative, while couch surfing themselves endlessly. All the glittery tales they once spun will begin to unravel as the puzzle of their life grows more and more impossible to solve. The closer you become to this person, the more up-close you will witness the fraud – after an ordinary night out with them, you will later be regaled with stories about the unbelievable events that took place which of course in reality never really happened. They will swear down on inconsistent stories but once you see the light you cannot help but dissect their fairytales. It is too much effort to go along with these lies any longer, they’re frustrating, and kind of embarrassing and you would truly rather hear about other friends mundane, but real stories than enable this craziness any longer. Let them go.